DREAMS AND TALENTS MATTER; CHASE YOUR DREAMS ABOVE ALL ELSE . MARRIAGE SHOULD NOT TAKE AWAY YOUR POTENTIAL

It is really nice to belong here, amongst great people. This story is my personal view about life and everything that comes with it.  I hope it serves a great lesson to someone who is torn between societal pressure and answering to the full potential within you to fuel positive impact in the world. 

I come from a beautiful African country named Cameroon. It is popularly known as Africa miniature; where Africa unites. As a female child, choosing a career and pursuing it, is one of the challenges women from this side of the world have to deal with. And the decision to marry or not is one they are left with very little to decide about.

Growing up, I  was not like most children who wanted to be doctor at ten, and by the time they clocked twenty-five, their dreams pattern had changed about twenty times or so.  All my life, I have had just one dream, to be a journalist and a public speaker: this dream became even more pressing when I discovered I have the gift of the gab and that I was destined to be in the media:

And so, being the last child from a typical African family is one of the things I have repeatedly dealt with; every family member thinks because you are last, decisions have to be taken for you and so you grow up fighting  to fit yourself in to their plans. No one wants to accept the fact that you could have your dreams to pursue.

So, I had to deal with fitting myself in my family readymade shoes on one hand and fulfilling my dreams on the other hand. I remember my parents wanted me to be a teacher, my brothers severally arranged for me to take the teachers training course (the entrance to the teachers’ training college in Cameroon is highly scrambled for), and one of my sisters so badly wanted me to get in to the National School of Administration and Magistracy (one of the big schools in my country with job security, an entrance in to the school is equal to a job with the Government).  Well, all of their efforts failed .Their reason was one: as a woman, you need a decent job like teaching or administration so you can have time to look after your husband and keep your home. Besides, most men don’t love women journalists,

I told them I have a dream and it is so strong in my heart, I cannot do any other thing. Saying I cannot do any other thing does not literally mean I cannot do any other thing. I am not called to do just anything or everything.  There is such a thing as purpose, dreams. When it calls, you have to answer  And that is where my family, like most families get it wrong.

One of the phrases I heard almost always is, 

“Do people still follow dreams?  This is Cameroon, you have to do anything you find so you earn a living…”

But I didn’t just want to earn a living, I wanted to live out my dreams and leave a legacy.  I think this is where true fulfillment comes. It is not about the pay check (though it is important) but it is about the value you had to society by offering service to the world with your inherent potential.

I have been an Emcee for seven years now, through this, I paid my rents and took care of myself to some extent. I was still living with my elder sister when one day I went to deliver an Emcee job and returned home, my elder sister mocked me saying that it is a thing for prostitutes, and that I am reducing my chances of getting married by doing so. Truth is, I felt bad because whenever I spoke at events, people will appreciate what an awesome talent I am. But it broke my heart because my own family didn’t value the gift in me.

And of course, I wasn’t a super woman all through. There were times I almost gave in to their pressures. But each time I tried, I felt useless, empty and wanting. Until I refocused on my dreams, I couldn’t find peace. 

Now, I think this is what a calling or talent does to you, when God puts a dream in your heart, you won’t have rest till you answer to it.

Were my family’s intentions for me good? YES! But not good enough because what they wanted for me did not align to my dreams and potential. 

This is one thing I think parents must know and do; if you must help your children, you have to acknowledge the fact that, they have their own dreams and passions. This could start from birth; monitor and watch them closely to identify those things that come naturally to them. These could be their potentials and as a parent who wants to secure a future for his child, building them in the area of their dreams and passion could be a great thing.

Often times, most parents simply want their children to fulfill their own failed dreams; because you failed to accomplish so and so, you then try to force it on your child. Each human being is born with a unique potential and so should be given the chance to explore that potential, not replicate another person’s. 

When I had to start work at the national television of my country as a journalist-reporter, one of my elder sisters called me to her house to give me what she termed motherly advice. I went to listen to her with all my heart. But I was disappointed at what she said.

“You went through the University Of Yaoundé 2 without finding a husband. You then went through Siantou Higher Institute and still came out without a husband. You have two bachelor’s degrees and you are threatening to go for masters but no husband still. Now you are going to work for CRTV, this is an opportunity God is giving you to redeem your life.  Tone down on your makeup; men don’t like women who wear makeup.  You might find a husband there, who knows?  Don’t give the impression you know too much, most men are threatened by overly outspoken women and no man would want to marry you.  This is a chance to redeem your life. A woman is not complete without a husband” She emphasized.

Was her advice wrong? Certainly not! But the motive was totally and completely wrong.  Everything was about finding and keeping a man or husband.  And that is what I heard around me while growing up, what to do to find and keep a man, what not to do to hurt a man.  My brothers always said, men love humble women. I’m yet to comprehend their definition of a humble woman. And each time I cat walked in to a place, my sister will say  “Be humble, you are too confident; you have a proud way of walking”  It was not about me growing to being a better person but whatever effort I make should be geared towards pleasing or not hurting a man.

A lot of time is spent teaching women how to keep a man and I wonder if men are taught to keep a woman. These two individuals have to run a relationship, so they need equal education to make it work. It is not a woman’s sole responsibility to make a relationship work.  This is the reason why many relationships suffer and most women struggle in their relationships because we have a bunch of men who know nothing about keeping a woman.  Besides, the last time I checked, it is a man’s responsibility to search and find a wife. So if anyone has to be cautioned on how to keep who, it must be the man. This is not in any way to equate the woman to the man. Of course both cannot be put on a balance as their roles are altogether unique.

From my little experience, I discovered that, once you discover your dreams and know how much potential you have, it becomes very difficult to settle for less. A purpose driven life has a way of raising your standards. And for a woman, submitting to a man means surrendering your willpower as he becomes your husband. So I think, a marriage decision should not be treated lightly or taken under pressure.

Besides, most people who pressure you to marry often only care about the big bourgeois ceremony where they will show off their makeup on flick, their designers clothes and also beat their chest that their daughter or son’s name has also entered the record of “the married”. Very few people care about how much investment you make on your personality and character to stay married after the wedding. 

What in essence am I saying? Chase your dreams above all else. Not even a marriage proposal should sweep your dreams away.  

I remember about four years ago, a man came asking for my hand in marriage and amongst all the things he said, he added, 

“… but I want you to give up your media career. I can’t stand my wife being on TV and being the centre of attraction” 

That to me was a turn off.  Some men think women don’t have dreams and that at the mention of “will you marry me?” Every aspiration and dream should just evaporate.

But I think there is more to life than marriage. Because when all is said and done, when you check out of this world, you won’t be remembered for your marriage certificate. Marriage is not a legacy. You will be remembered for what you did with your gifts, talents and skills. You will be remembered for how you touched the world with your dreams and potential, for the minds you transformed, you will be remembered for leaving a mark in the world by answering nature’s call to service.

And so, I decided that i will not settle till I meet that man that ignites the inherent potential in me. I am happy with my decision and I am not less important because I am not married yet. 

 It was towards the end of 2015 when I thought it was about time I stepped out of our family house and start on my own though I had no stable job. But I had that urge to get out of my comfort zone. So I finally made the decision to move out.  One of my elder sisters consulted a certain prophet who summoned me saying

“I saw you being brought back home in a coffin. If you do not return to your parents’ house, you will die. God is asking me to tell you to go back. You must go back today, as I speak, they have to follow you to wherever you are and carry your belongings back home…”

I laughed in my heart. 

“…A woman should only leave her parents house when she gets married” he added, in a chorus, my sister and her husband second his motion. 

This, I think is totally ridiculous. 

I am a strong willed person, thus, I am not easily tossed about with doctrine. My parents knew they could not oblige me in to what I wasn’t convinced about. I still had a few things in their house so I followed them home and the next day I packed out every little thing I had left, walked out of the gate as to say “death, where are you? Come take me now, I’m moving out of my parents’ house” (laughs)  and I’ve never returned to live with them again.

We must come to the understanding that marriage is good but everyone will not be married. This is a bitter truth many, especially women, do not like to hear. But it is the reality. 

So I think we must raise our girls to embrace their lives, find their purpose on earth, nurture and fulfill their dreams. Raise them to know that there is much more they can offer the world than a marriage certificate. Marriage might come as well as it might not come, so we must equip our girls with the right mindset and material for engaging in society. Invest in our girls the same way we invest in the boys. Push them to dream big and aim for greatness and let marriage be an added advantage. 

Happy wedlock to all the married people in here. AND A BIG CONGRATULATIONS TO THE SINGLE WOMEN AND MEN because you are in the right season to accomplish whatever you so desire. Enjoy the season of singleness and chase your dreams above all else. If marriage comes, take it but if it does not come, do not kill yourself.  Even when you chose to marry, do not bury your potential. There is more you can offer the world. Explore your potential and fulfill your dreams.

THANK YOU