I need an ear.. Psychological abuse..does anybody hear me

I have the feeling if i write my soul down.. it might.. i dunno.. heal. Oh and please excuse my english and grammar :) i am german. This is going to take a while...thank you in advance..

In the first year my i met my shining prince we had dreams and goals.He asked me to marry him.. i was soooo in love. I don´t do .. emotions so fast, but he was THE one to me. Moved in his place gave up mine and life was heaven for 6 Months..he was a wonderful man.My man. Then out of the blue he decided his "horrible, lazy ex wife" (his words) was a bad mother, his kids need their father...and since I did n´t understand or know the connection between them (and i felt it was n´t my place to ask, i did n´t ask much.)

Of course! I thought, what a good father what a great man i have..to leave everything and come to his childrens aid!!!! I wish my daughters father were only half the man. Within weeks we moved in with his 21 yr old daughter and his 22 yr old son, the mother moved to our apartment. Don´t leave your man hanging, help him, he needs you. We can do this, this is the right thing to do.I thought. Oh his 9 yr old daughter (another ex) comes in for the every 2 weekend visit too. I treat those kids like my own. Love, discipline, friendship, an ear, a hand, a way to talk to their estranged father ,to get him to understand them better and take up a different point of view in raising his children. everything.Protected them from him when he came down too hard on them. You know, Step-Mom. I gave up my job (because he said i should take a time out after working and being a single mom to a 16 year old without pause and being recently diagnosed with a rare, untreatable gene disorder called marfan-syndrome) this family became everything to me. It was n´t always easy of course, but we made it work. But woe behold what happened when i had to say something about the (totally lazy, spoilt, non-independent, unimployed, no goals in life)children after a couple of months.. Of course i did n´t say it.I thought it.I tried encouragement, talking, writing job applications together, motivation and so on. Stuff a mother does. And of of course, if it is hard for me, how must it be for the children?? I gave everything to make everyone fell comfortable and adjust in this patchwork family. But you can´t sugar coat everything. I had to address my thoughts concerning the welfare of the kids. Thats when my life started changing. Regarding ANYTHING i had to say (hey your son needs to get out of bed not sleep till 5 in the afternoon and get everything shoved up his ass and same goes for your daughter)the insulting and the mind games started. Worthless, not good enough for his kids. Not good enough for him. His kids come before anything, no one tells him how to raise them and if i cant accept that i need to leave. Uhm.. ok. I packed. Thought hey, i am not making these kids life miserable. Maybe he´s right. I don´t know those kids. I don´t wanna spoil anyone´s life here. He begged me to unpack, he was sorry, he has never had anyone actually at his side helping. He does n´t know how to react. He needs time to learn. Ok lets work on this. But something is changing.. slowly. I did n´t even notice. Phase 2: Things start getting. .. dark in my mind.. i am struggling, trying to wrap my head around 3-4 Doctors appointments a day, horrible, constant pains and fear of what the sentence "there is no cure, the rest of your life will be like this and it´s not a long life" actually means, my fiancé starts being cold towards me.

I needed to talk to him about having really dark moments(not knowing how to live with this sickness) "Were you always like this mentally?You are Crazy! How can you do this to me?You need to go see a psycologist! Why me? Why did I deserve this? Have I not done enough? I have so much work I cant take this bullshit also!Have I not suffered enough in my life? Why did n´t your ex boyfriends have to deal with shit like this?" I was having issues dealing with the Morphines, pain medication and my sickness. I thought .. talk to your man. You need support. You need an anchor. You are not strong enough to handle this alone. I needed him. I became invisible...only to be noticed when he needed a punching bag. (I stopped taking the prescribed medication because he said they are not good for me we would find another way.. and they were making me depressive.. I believed him). From then on, he started coming home by 3 or 4 am, sitting with his friends playing cards or whatever, leaving early in the morning. I barely saw him. When i had something to (his words) nag about, the answer was : "I have so much going on in my mind, I am working so hard to keep this family together, are you so unhappy??, then leave. I need to do something for me, I only do things for you and everyone else, you are not working and it is your fault that financially things are not working out in my company and at home.You do n´t love me because you are letting me do everything alone! If you would really love me like you say you do, you would be working your ass off to help me! Before you met me you were sick also and were working your ass of regardless of your pain. So why can ´t you do it now. You do n´t love me. You are using me. You are the reason i am financially ruined..you are the reason i am stressed cuz I have to work so hard to hold all of this together.. you are a bad housewife, you do n´t cook everyday (uhm hard to tell when u are never home huh)"..the list is long..there are more insults but you get the message. My mind..believed. He was right. I am unworthy of love. Such a good man, working everyday, his children, sick wife. Why am I nagging? But inside.. my inner little me was still saying, hey this is bullshit. None of this is true! Yes you have a wicked temper and a sarcastic tongue. But .. you are not the antichrist. So one day while I am trying to defend myself as usual (the kids are looking on) he pushes me so hard I hit my head on the floor and my ear starts to bleed. Its my fault is the response. I provoked him. (by standing in front of him and saying stop yelling and insulting me in front of the girls.He should let me pass I need to take a walk) Best thing is the girls (my daughter and his daughter say the same thing.) He has manipulated everyone around me to believe that he is the saint. (the kids are too scared of him to have an own opinion by now so they try to be fair and say its both of us..lol) I ´ve had 3 surgery´s this year and physically i am a wreck, alongside my mental hell. I am in my room most of the time. I don´t want to talk to any one, not even the children, because I am invisible to them as well anyways. Even with bruises on my arm, scars on my back, eye witnesses to the mental and physical abuse. No one cares. Honestly I do n´t care too much about myself anymore. Do n´t eat, can ´t sleep for 2-3 days in a row, heart racing like a marathon runner constantly, beeping ears, deep dark thoughts that i have not ended yet, because I frankly do n´t want anyone to clean up my mess.. hoping that one day I might just not wake up anymore. Maybe Morphines and the heart problem will just solve my misery. I´m trapped, because I.. do not know how to leave. I am scared. My sickness, my daughter, I am just scared. Lonely. I need somebody to lay his arms around me and say hey.. you know human physical contact. In my "home" when I cry regardless of what I get ignored. If I have a high fever, or pain I get well you are sick or in pain constantly anyways.. I had surgery a week ago on my foot. He decided to go on a two week vacation with the children.. and then add another two weeks by himself, because he has deserved his time off. So I am alone right now, with an operated foot, on the 5th floor with no elevator. I am trapped in my brain and here. There is so much more abuse i really need to get off my mind and heart but i feel this is long enough already.. I need help. Seriously. Right now.. I .. I am crying my eyes out I just want it to end. Everything. I have been through a lot in my life already (alcoholic mom, dad died in a car crash when i was 14, single working mom with 18 and so on.) but it did n´t break me. This has. I am broken. I can literally feel..the scars. I dont know why I loaded this here.. maybe I am trying to make myself visible.

thank you for reading.

Sid 36yrs