Be a mother and NOT a monster

I remember the first time I took a knife to hurt myself. I was seven in the kitchen and i already was familiar with suicide. He was beating her again and she was talking back so it was loud. I wanted to stop the noice and then I got that idea; to kill myself cos maybe, just maybe my 'sacrifice' would help them see how terrible what they were doing was. Obviously I didn't go ahead with it, So I got to live most of my life growing up with this nightmare. The routine was now normal: he'd go get drunk, come home and look for the next irrelevant reason to pounce. This is a really emotional moment for me because I have never quite talked about it this way.

I was introduced to this beautiful platform by Mrs Adenike founder of Women's Initiative for Sustainable Environment(WISE). She told me I could write about how I felt and I'm sure she didn't know it was this troubling. The pressure of being in an abusive home of course took a toll on my mum who found a way to take it out on me. My mum passed away in July 2011 due to a terrible illness and one shocking thing is I cannot recall even one deep emotional conversation with her, not one. You know i always thought eventually time will heal everything and we'll get to apologise and recover, we didn't. Idon't even know how to relate with other people's mums cos I feel like I might just slip up and say something to make them hate me too.

Today I am a grown woman just recently done with university with a hugeemotional dent. Mothers in abusive homes shouldnt take it out on their children. We know it's not easy because we're also in the home. We already fear one parent, we don't have to fear both. We shouldn't have to cringe everytime you raise your hand. It's not our fault that he has chosen to be a monster and even if it is, we are so little and i'm sure it wasnt deliberate, or maybe i'm wrong.Please don't take it out on the children. Don't bring a child into this world and let the child live all their life wondering what they did wrong. Love them rather. You're a woman so you're strong. Protect your children at all cost, Be a mother and not a monster. I wish life gave me better options but then everything that has happened has brought me here, to this moment and Iam grateful. I hope i do things differently for my future babies and I hope to be a better mom so help me God.