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The first people to benefit from your healing is your ancestors....

Dayanara
Posted April 15, 2018 from United States

"The first people to benefit from your healing is your ancestors"...That was the message I got from my counseling session on April 12th, 2018.  I woke up in need of talking to my therapist who explained the major planetary shift happening in the world today that is driving me to break the co-dependent loops I have created with people, family, and friends. It's a karmic debt that is being paid off, is what she said. For me it feels like an intergenerational trauma being broken and a past being forgiven towards an opening of my heart that will have me finally loving, belonging and staying connected to all those I love while at the same time having the healthy necessary boundaries to put myself first, she finishes explaining. 

Its been a long 20 something years of healing to get to the other side of me. Its taken the most shattering of moments, the biggest sabotage's of my life, the heart-wrenching heartbreaks of love lost and finally the most hurtful detaching and wounding of my spirit as I cut the cord between me and my own daughter so she can grow up while at the same time the little girl in me lets go of her mother's womb to finally give birth to herself.  I am writing this from my hammock in the Dominican Republic inhaling freedom and exhaling fear of liberation from people, places and things I have held on to save my life. 

Junot Diaz, recently wrote a piece disclosing his story of sexual abuse and its impact, "Trauma is a time traveler" he says, "eventually the past finds you". 

Every little girl has a story, an intergenerational story, a historical trauma, her mother's story lives in her while she becomes her future daughter story, a woman already born with a legacy of violence and trauma and its impact. My past found me many times on beaches, in sacred spaces, buying my first car, in between the legs of my first love, when I celebrated dreams come true and when had my own daughter. That is what trauma does it finds you when you finally "make it". 

I have crossed mountains and borders, lands and oceans running to, away and from myself, from love, and intimacy, from being seen and even being successful. I would think, what if they found out I am a fraud and don't know anything. What if all this time I have been an imposter and I have been lying and I am not who I said I am. What if I am not worthy of sitting at the table with those people. What if they see the little girl inside of me forever lost, abandoned, abused, broken, in need of mending of love and care despite how much it might hurt others. 

I texted my therapist the day before to set an appointment after spending a week with my older sister. Its the second time in my 42 years that I spend time with her and I struggle with the innate love that comes when spirits find each other and the fear of a child has when its told to hug a family member that they have never met. Our mother past away, two years ago, its the one thing we have in common and oh the fact that when I look at her I see myself. This past week has been hard, I am finishing my first year of my PhD and in between powerpoints and papers I sit and listen to my sister plead with me her case. She was there when I was born and she had no power to keep me, she was only ten but has not forgiven herself. She wants me to know how much she loved me and never forgot me. How there isn't a day that goes by that she doesn't think of me. She wants me to know my mother left her too. She wants me to know she has a story too. 

 She tells me of broken hearts and abuse and self-sabotage, abandonment and sexual assault. She shares the story of my younger siblings on drugs and in jail and every chance I get in between pauses I breathe, trying to not internalize everything she is saying and I  thank god that I was able to get away.  I breathe as this person, a mirror image of me, another little girl with another story of violence tells me about the missing pieces of my life.  Over the past two weeks, I have spent time defending my story, my experience and the impact of my mother's abandonment. I too share stories of domestic violence and child sexual abuse. I want her to see the essence of my life as I have experienced it, so I share my own story with her in an attempt to get her to know me better beyond the story she has created of me in her head. She is my big sister but has never asked how I am, how was my upbringing, what happened to me, was I loved or abused?

We are exactly 10 years apart and as adult women still in search of the mother who abandoned us. I am vulnerable in her presence as the addiction of caretaking wants to jump at the opportunity to find my mother in my sister and take care of her instead since I didn't do it for my mother but I remember my therapist words and remind myself that this opportunity is about boundaries and love.  I am cautious to not create yet another codependency with her as my heart breaks every time she tells she doesn't have money and shares with me her dreams. I listen and explain that our mother's story has impacted each one of us in different ways. That in her absence she is not our mother. I process her feelings with her, I give her space to talk, I listen, I affirm and I let her know I am sorry and I love her. I apologize for our mom and tell her I have already forgiven her. I don't blame my sister for anything. I don't blame anyone

She wants to learn how to create an altar like the one I have with pictures of my ancestors and our mom. I tell her to declare that we are safe, that our mother's choices are not our fault and to light a candle for the little girl still waiting for her. We break bread, we go to the ocean, we dance, we laugh and we sing karaoke. We give each other life, love, and belonging.  I take pictures of her, trying to capture time cause I don't know when I am going to see her again. I want to hold on to her forever. I feel at home in her presence, I stop searching. I grew up as an only child finding sisterhood in every woman I loved or created a community with. As a survivor of childhood trauma, I was always in search for someone to protect me. For the moment she becomes my protection and all is well in my life, I can breathe, I can be still, I am at peace, like a missing puzzle piece I now found a place to fit. I am complete! 

We do what sisters do, we share clothes, we get on each other's nerves, we dream and we share stories only women who are victims and survivors can tell. We inspire each other and it feels like together we can do anything. But we know the time will come to say goodbye and we will go our separate ways. We are grown but we dread the dark. We know the loneliness of childhood abuse and abandonment will find us. Sadness and fear will creep into our beds at night and we will weep for our mother once again and we will search in different faces for love and intimacy, for belonging, worth, and protection. 

But for now, we are family and our connection is healing the intergeneration wounding in our family. Our ancestors are happy, they have been waiting for this reunion for a long time. When little girls in search of their mother find each other instead and teach each other about love, belonging, worth, and forgiveness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Comments 7

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Ndimofor Aretas
Apr 16
Apr 16

Dear Dayanara,

I read your story with keen attention.

I can relate to your story because my dad told my siblings and I about 5 years ago that our mum left when I was just 6 and a half...

more than 13 years later, when she finally returned for the first time, I had to keep reminding her that I had forgiven her over and over again.

In summary, it has strengthened my belief in the saying that nobody can go back and change the past but everyone can start today to create a brighter future.

So I focus my efforts on creating new memories each time she visits from abroad.  We also go to happy places and share happy experiences and it is quite healing too.

It's a wonderful thing you are doing for your sister.

Dayanara
Apr 16
Apr 16

Thank you for sharing, mothers are special creatures. I am a mom and constantly have to bring compassion and forgiveness to my decisions with my own children as well as accountability and responsibility as they tell me their own truths. But my adoptive mom always told me that we who love our mothers anyway will always have everything we need. Its the way the universe provides for us...

jlanghus
Apr 16
Apr 16

Hi Dayanara. Thanks so much for sharing your amazing story about love, healing, and forgiveness. I do believe that a lot of us lightworkers and present generation are here to heal and clear ancestral cords, traumas, etc. I recently did a past life, witch healing. It was pretty powerful and brought up quite a bit more sadness, insecurity and loneliness that still needed to be healed. Next, I'm going to do a sister betrayal healing and see how I feel after that. I'm always amazed at how complex each and every one of us is, how many layers we each possess, that each one of us has a mission or missions in this lifetime, what we've been through, and where we'll end up.

Tamarack Verrall
Apr 16
Apr 16

Dear Dayanara,

What a profound celebration of healing, of connection, of the power of creating our own rituals, of the ways that we carry what our own mothers have experienced, of the intricacy of our own healing. How transformative and joyful, this time with your sister. My own heart is filled with joy just knowing that such deep healing has happened for you both.

With love in sisterhood,

Tam

Adeola Samuel
May 15
May 15

Thank you dear Dayanara,

I count it as a priviledge to read about the story of all you went through and am glad you found healing. Forgiveness is healing and love makes it easy to forgive. The past can no longer hurt or hunt you, i understand that memories will always be there and creep in sometimes but it wont hold you captive any longer.

All that you experience was not because you were disadvantaged but because i feel strongly in my spirit that God is building you up for a bigger assignment, when you find it please embrace it.Looking forward to reading more of your progress stories. Stay strong sis.

Sophie Ngassa
May 19
May 19

Hello Dayanara, Thanks for sharing about the work you do.Love, forgives and healing are very important aspects in life.I am happy that you survived child hood trauma  and now you are helping other. Congrats!.

osayabamwen
Jun 16
Jun 16

Dear Dayanara, 

Your story of how you connected with the processes involved in healing and forgiving yourself and family members is a sort of relieving medicine for someone as myself. 

Being able to recognize one's vulnerability, overcome codependency and forge ahead through the fogginess that traumas of the past projects in to the present is a testament to finding strength and staying above the tide of life's many troubles and pain.

Your story resonates and many, including myself, can identify with it. I also identify with your growing inner strength and commitment to personal as well as ancestral healing and forgiveness.

Stay strong.